The Cottonelle puppy takes a dive

Hey there! This post was written in 2007, so it may contain information that is no longer accurate or thoughts that no longer reflect how I feel. As human beings, we're constantly learning and bettering ourselves through experiences and interactions with the world and each other.

I keep posts like this around for historical purposes and to prevent link rot, so please keep this in mind as you're reading.

— Cory

My interpretation of a picture that Jay Barnes took of a strangely-themed, kids version of Cottennelle toilet paper:

It's an inter-corporate political issue. The marketing team set out to launch a kid-based marketing campaign with a new theme that would attract children, making them scream "MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!!" while pointing excitedly at the ever-so-soft youth-targeted toilet paper. It was a good campaign, too, however, the executives didn't like it.

You see, initially it was a simple, cartooney, underwater theme. The kids they tested it on loved it! But the CEO and his henchmen thought something was missing…and they were right. The marketing team, caught up in this rare, exciting spin on toilet paper advertising (and let's admit, nobody puts a fucking octopus and a treasure chest on a package of shit paper) that they forgot to incorporate the company's world-renowned ass-wiping mascot — the Cottonelle Puppy!

With the product's launch date getting closer and closer, there was no time for a redesign! But the executives weren't going to let this one get by without the logo that brands Cottonelle. After all, they know that sea creatures and treasure chests don't sell their product — it's that cute little golden puppy.

So the marketing department brought back the second rendition of the campaign. However, both the design team and the executives agreed that the dog alone could not survive underwater without some way of breathing. Did you HEAR that? He wouldn't be able to breathe!!! They needed something that would keep PETA off their ass.

So, the third try gave the dog a set of fins and an air tank, but that didn't work either, because a wet puppy isn't a good symbol of cleanliness, and you need to have cleanliness to advertise toilet paper.

Next came the mini-sub, which was inspired by one of the designer's who was bored one day playing Jaws on his 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System. That and the headlight from a '68 Ford Mustang satisfied the executives, because they finally had their puppy on the design and in good health. The marketing team, at this point, was just happy to be out of hot water.

And the design, as completely impossible and illogical as it seems to have a dog — no, a PUPPY — navigating a state of the art submersible vehicle on a product that I wipe my ass with…well, that's just stupid.

But the kids love it and he is cute

*shrug*